


The Hamilfowl Mixtape

by zedille



Series: Disney Princess Holly Short [2]
Category: Artemis Fowl (2020), Artemis Fowl - Eoin Colfer
Genre: Crack, Gen, Hamilton Lyrics, Hamilton References, Humor, Parody, Song Lyrics, Song Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-03
Updated: 2020-07-03
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:28:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25029298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zedille/pseuds/zedille
Summary: In commemoration of Disney+’sother, much more successful summer 2020 release ....How does an Irish, preteen, self-styled criminaland genius, a lollipop disliker in a forgotten seriesfrom twenty years ago, a kidnapper and structuralantagonist, end up as an incompetent protagonist?
Series: Disney Princess Holly Short [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1812520
Comments: 18
Kudos: 28





	The Hamilfowl Mixtape

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mentosmorii](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mentosmorii/gifts).



> With many apologies to Lin-Manuel Miranda and Leslie Odom Jr., and no apologies to Disney whatsoever. Z., thanks for all your help, and good luck getting through the rest of the movie!
> 
> Brought to you by my local bubble tea shop, whose baristas keep giving me a large drink even when I order a small. Hello sugar high-induced productivity, RIP my sleep cycle.

How does an Irish, preteen, self-styled criminal  
and genius, a lollipop disliker in a forgotten series  
from twenty years ago, a kidnapper and structural  
antagonist, end up as an incompetent protagonist?

This kid, temporarily without his father  
Got a lot farther by working a lot harder  
By being a lot smarter, by being a self-starter  
At age ten, his family were not considered paupers 

And every day, while books were being acquired and carted away  
To the big screen, he struggled and kept his guard up  
Inside, he was longing for a movie to be a part of  
Our boy was ready to dart, steal, blackmail, and outsmart ‘em

Then _Harry Potter_ came, and record profits reigned  
Each sequel made more money fly everywhere like rain  
The author took his pencil, connected it to his brain  
And he wrote some more adventures before fan interest waned

Well, the word got around. They said, these books aren’t so lame, man  
Took up a collection just to get the franchise to expand  
Go get your adaptation, don't forget your claim to fame  
And the world’s gonna know your name

_What's your name, man?_

Artemis Fowl on Disney Plus  
My name is Artemis Fowl on Disney Plus  
And there's a ton of gold I need to get  
But just you wait, just you wait

When he was ten his father left, setting out on a mission   
But he was caught, he got lost, taken out of commission  
Thought dead, his folks left to mourn him, in disbelief  
Our boy stuck it out, his mother had no relief

Moved in with Miramax, but the studio got acquired twice  
Left him with nothing but the rights stuck in production hell  
A voice saying, Arty, you gotta do it yourself  
He started retreating and reading every script on his dad’s shelf

There would have been nothing left to do for someone less astute  
He woulda been broke or destitute without a cent of restitution  
Started writing, fighting with his old producer’s corporate board  
Recruiting Judi Dench & other actors who he can't afford   
Pushing for every reshoot he can get his hands on  
Throwing out the plot   
See him now in the trailer for the movie from back when they still had a plan

The movie’s not gonna get him new fans  
The movie’s not gonna have any fans ( _bis_ )

Just you wait!

Artemis Fowl on Disney Plus  
We were waiting in the sequels for you  
They could never back down  
They could never learn to use the book

Artemis Fowl on Disney Plus  
When the critics come for you  
Will they know everything you did?   
Will they know you weren’t just some kid? 

The series will never be the same, oh

The film is out on streaming now  
See if you can spot him  
Another YA lead coming up from the bottom  
Disney destroyed his rep, all his fans forgot him

LEP: We fought with him  
BUTLER: Me, I died for him  
HOLLY: Me, I trusted him  
JULIET: Me, I made a sandwich for him  
ROOT: And me? I'm the damn fool who lost to him!

There's a ton of gold I need to get  
But just you weigh —  
_What's your name, man?_  
Artemis Fowl on Disney Plus!

**Author's Note:**

> The first time I parodied this song, it was for a character named [Alexander Molokov](https://zedille.tumblr.com/post/142385013169/arbiter-in-bangkok-you-can-be-a-new-man-the), which was MUCH easier to work with... this doesn't scan perfectly but good enough!
> 
> If you liked this, you might also like my [LOTR/Cotton-Eye Joe](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18061040) parody.
> 
> Chatty author's notes on Tumblr [here](https://zedille.tumblr.com/post/625507531286003712/the-hamilfowl-mixtape-zedille-artemis-fowl).


End file.
